Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Step 3: Compassion for Yourself, Part 2

      So, my first post for Step 3 went off on a bit of a tangent.  Given my recent time connstraints, I've decided that one post per step, once I've moved on to the next step, should suffice to keep me aware of and accountable to my journey.  That is, of course, unless I go off on tangents.

     Step 3 really was an interestingly challenging step.  At first glance the title of this step, "Compassion for Yourself," sounded like a touchy-feely "you can't love others if you can't love yourself; when was the last time you had a manicure?" sort of things.  Of course, I know this book, so I knew better.

      Compassion for yourself is not the same as unconditional love for yourself, in the same way that Compassion for all people isn't the same as unconditional love for all people.  You can have Compassion for someone while still holding them accountable for their actions.  Having Compassion for yourself does not excuse your flaws.  It does, however, start with love.

      The first part of this step was to list out or ruminate on all the positive things about yourself.  Sounds like fun!  Erg, turned out to be a bit of a chore.  Turns out that, even inside my own head, there are certain things I feel guilty about giving myself credit for or being positive about.  I actually found myself making caveats inside my head, sort of like this:

     Hmmmm....  my good traits....  Well, I'm very fit.  I work out a lot and really love the way my body looks.  Not that my body is perfect - or any better than anyone else's.  I mean, I obviously have flaws.  My top abdominal muscles are a lot more defined than the lower ones, and some people don't even like defined abs.  But I like the way my body looks, which is really the point.  But it's ok if other people look different.  Lots of people with much different bodies than me have very beautiful bodies ....

     And on it would go.  Ridiculous.  It's one thing if I come out on my blog and say "I love the way my body looks!"  I might, in that case, want to point out that just because I love my body doesn't mean I in anyway dislike other bodies.  Actually, the fact that I find most human bodies beautiful in some way is part of my problem here, ha.  But I shouldn't be going back and forth in my head.  Part of my learning process with this step was being able to internally compliment myself and just stop there and take joy in it.

      I would also like to say that my physical traits were not the first traits I found myself thinking about, but the ridiculousness that occured inside my head when I tried to compliment myself on more important or deeper traits resulted in ridiculousness I couldn't even begin to capture here.

     But I recognized the issue, the harsh judgement I was using on myself, the wierd societal effects that had seeped into my brain, programming me to believe that 1) I should feel guilty for complimenting myself because that meant I was concieted and 2.) I should not compliment myself because that amounted to insulting others who are different.  Both of these are soundly untrue.  If I tell a co-worker she is really eloquent, that doesn't mean no one else in my office is.  If I tell myself I'm smart, that is not the same as saying I'm smarter than anyone else.

      Being concieted means (to me), complimenting yourself too much, for traits you don't have; valuing traits you do have too highly; discounting your own flaws; and, most importantly, believing that your positive qualities are the best, better than others, and entitle you to certain things.  Acknowledging the postitive about myself does none of those things.  So, here it is, in short, a few of the good things about myself:

     (I wasn't going to do this because I still find it really embarassing, even though I have occasionally complimented myself on this blog before)
  • I am rather intelligent.
  • I learn things quickly.
  • I am kind and understanding, and am becoming more so.
  • I am a loyal and caring friend.
  • I am a devoted wife and mother.
  • I am hard-working.
  • I perservere.
  • I deal with major stressors well and typically remain calm under pressure.
  • I try to make the world a better place, if even on a small scale.
  • I have a certain degree of courage.
  • I am fit.
  • I try to live ethically and morally.
  • I'm good at a whole bunch of stuff.
      I'm also bored of the list, so I'm going to stop there since I think that last one demonstrates why "I have a good attention span" was not on this list. ;-)  I notice that I still included some indefinite language, hedged a little here and there, and even included one qualifying statement (because making the world a better place is a pretty major compliment), but it's a start.

      Like I said, though, this step isn't just a whole bunch of hugging yourself in the mirror stuff.  Compassion isn't just about recognizing good qualities, but also about accepting people's faults.  And your own.

      The practice of looking over your own faults is a little different than that of looking at your positive traits.  The author warns at this stage that one should not become mired in self-pity or disapproval.  The point of this excersize is not bring yourself down.  It is to recognize that you are human.  You have flaws just like anyone else.  Your flaws to not make you better or worse than anyone else.  If you can look at your own flaws and see them clearly, two things happen.  First, you recognize that you are not better than other people; you see your own humanity.  Second, you become better able to accept the flaws of others, even if they are different flaws then your own.  Different people have different strengths and different flaws.  The goal is to accept all of these without judgement.

      I have lots of flaws.  In a way, recognizing my own flaws was easier than recognizing my positive traits.  There was no guilt.  Well, maybe guilt about the flaws themselves, but with every flaw there is the possibility of remedy or improvement.  I think the bigger changes for me with this step were in working toward accepting the flaws and moving on.  Leaving it at that.  I might improve upon my flaws, but I won't linger on them, and I must not linger on the flaws of others.

      You want a list of my flaws?  After all, I gave you a list of my positive traits.  Well, I'm not going to lay it out quite the same way.  You see, just because I recognize my flaws, doesn't mean I have to waive them around the internet.  Plus, as sad as it is to say, I suspect that there are a couple people reading who might take more pleasure in reading my flaws than I'm comfortable with.

      I wil say this, my flaws are many and myriad.  I struggle with a lot of failings.  I procrastinate badly.  I still catch myself being judgemental from time to time.  I speak without thinking.  I am a crap housekeeper.  I thrive amidst clutter.  These are the easiest and most concise ones to list.

     Lastly, (and I'm running out of time to post today), this chapter touched on our Western perogative to be positive about things.  The drive to, as the author puts it, "think positively, brace up, stiffen our upper lip, and look determinedly on the bright side of life."  Sometimes, this is a good thing.  Sometimes, it helps people push on.  But it also sometimes amounts to a denial of our humanity and emotions.  Maybe someone wants to share their grief.  Sympathy can be a very helpful and soothing reaction to offer someone.  Sometimes people are hurt more or feel like their pain is being discounted by the persistant positivity.

       This is a big topic that I could go into more, but it also comes into play in Step 4, so I'll try to remember to touch on it there.

      Overall, this looking at myself, and the daily meditation excersize the book assigns with it has been a big eye opener, as have all the steps.  I can feel the changes taking place, and I am grateful.  Another way of looking at myself.

Step 3: Compassion for Yourself

      The "mission" for March was "Compassion for Yourself."  It was an interesting journey.  I realized a lot; I questioned a lot; and, ultimately, I remain questioning a few things.

      The goal, so to speak, of my Compassion endeavor and the book, Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, is to live your life by the Golden Rule as wholely as possible - to do unto others as you would have them do unto you and to not do to others what you would not like done to you.  But I had never really thought about the fact that the basis of that rule is how you treat yourself.

       I tend to judge myself pretty harshly.  My biggest struggle with the Compassion project has been to try to refrain from judging others.  Yet, somehow, I never really looked at those two things as connected.  Probably because the majority of the time, I don't see holding myself to a strict standard as a bad thing.

        And in some ways, it's not.  But it is a really interesting thought.  I expect a lot from myself, and that is my motivation for accomplishing as much as I do.  Generally, if someone doesn't have the same education as I do, work out the way I do, eat the way I do, I don't judge them for that.  People are different.  Ok, so I judge a little on the eating thing.  A little.  I'm working on it ;-).  But if I fail to do something I meant to do; if I fall behind on my cases; if I go a week without running, I can be pretty hard on myself.

       This isn't coming out clearly.  I feel like I've already contradicted myself.  Let me try to simplify my problem here:  I don't generally come down, in my mind, on others for failing to do things I would come down on myself for failing to do in any area where I recognize that I have unusually high standards for myself.  BUT, I do tend to judge people when they do things I would not do, or violate what I consider to be low standards.

      For instance my unabashed disapproval of aldulterers.  For as long as I can remember having any real opinions on relationships, since I was a teenager at least, I have had a very deep seated disdain for people who committ adultery.  I've run on about it here on the blog a few times.  You can click on Adultery or Cheating over in my cloud at the right to read some of my vitriole on it.  I just always saw adultery as a base and obvious demonstration of extreme ego-centrism as well as the worst kind of betrayal - one committed only for the gratification of the betrayer.  I also saw it as a cowerdly way to avoid one's own inner demons.

       Judgy, right?

      Obviously.  And, in all honesty, I still feel that way.  But I also own up to the fact that I have done things in my life that some adulterers would consider far worse.  I don't know what off hand, but people are different, and what one person considers a mortal sin, so to speak, others might see as a minor character flaw.  Perhaps someone I might judge for adultery may think I am the worst kind of person because I am adamantly pro-choice?

       I also recognize that while I disapprove of adultery and hold my beliefs about it, that doesn't mean my take on it is correct in all cases.  No one wakes up in the morning intending to make "bad" decisions.  Even people who do horrible, aweful things are coming from a place where they feel like what they are doing is right.  Does it make the things they're doing ok?  No, not always.  I still think adultery is wrong even if the person who did it doesn't think they were wrong.  But that person did what they felt was right for their life at the time. 

       It hasn't taken me much to stop instinctually judging in most cases.  My immediate reactions to people and situations really have changed A LOT in the few months I have been following this path.  But there remain a few areas in which I struggle:  Abusers of animals and people, and people who are themselves lacking compassion.

       I think it's pretty easy to identify why it's hard to refrain from judging abusers.  It horrifies and sickens me to see anyone inflicting suffering on another.  In the case of human on human abuse, I'm getting better and remembering that the abuser is usually acting out of some very deep and horrifying pain of their own.  That doesn't mean the abuse is ok.  It's not.  It needs to be stopped immediately.  But I feel that both the victim and the abuser deserve healing.  I'm not saying punishment is out of the question, but I do think healing is a more effective long term fix.  And something all people deserve.

      I'm not totally there on animal abusers.  I'm not sure why.  It's harder to identify a pain there, for me.  It sickens me, and really makes me jump in the punishment direction.  I'm working on it.  And donating money to the ASPCA.

      Then there are people lacking in Compassion.  It is the wierdest side effect to my Compassion project:  The more I become able to refrain from judging, to feel empathy and compassion and give people the benefit of the doubt, the shorter my patience becomes for those who can't.

      I am having the greatest struggle with a current client.  She came to me seeking a divorce.  He husband has recently begun suffering from a very extreme mental disorder.  She told me her story, and my heart immediately went out to her husband.  His suffering is obvious and very, very sad.  Living with him, though, has been very hard for her (I keep reminding myself).  She doesn't want to put up with it.  She wants out, and she wants to know "what she can get from him."  She feels it is her due (not an uncommon issue in my office).

       My problem with this:  She seems very entitled.  She seems not to care one tiny little bit about the obvious pain and suffering of her husband.  They haven't been married very long. She seems to have believed that marrying a Marine meant she would get to stop working and spend all her time riding horses.  That seems to be her biggest problem with the divorce.  She seems to be a heartless, conceited, self indulgent bitch.

      See how well my not judging people is coming?  HA!

      I promise, this is a very special case.  I have MOUNTAINS of clients right now, and this is the only one I can't seem to find a decent scrap of empathy for.  I know that she must have had a hard time living with him.  I've been close to mental illness in my life and I've been in horrible relationships.  I know that my view of her actions and opinions and marriage is my outside view tempered by my own feelings.  I remind myself every time I speak to her (which is a LOT because she also seems to think that as her attorney, I'm at her beck and call to do all sorts of tasks that have nothing to do with the case, ahem...). 

     It's wierd.  Someone says something mean to me; I'm able to stop and think about why they said it, where they're coming from, that maybe they're having a bad day.  But this client, whose only "sin" is her seeming failure to care about anyone other than herself, continues to be the trickling hole in my non-judging dam.

      This is definitely something I will need to explore further in my meditations on myself and on Compassion.  I'm sure it is some sort of mirroring or projection issue.

      Well, this post didn't really go where I expected it to.  I thought this would be the only post on Step 3, but since I barely hit on a fraction of the Step 3 topics, it looks like there will be at least 2 posts on Step 3.